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Here’s how much money went into “Pirates 2.” When I opened the 4-disc box, three crisp hundred-dollar bills slid out. There was a code on Disc 1 that allowed me half off a 2008 Saturn Vue at the Porn Valley Galpins. There were free helicopter rides to the Van Nuys airport, and either Stoya or Riley Steele is contractually obligated to deliver your “Pirates 2” personally, wearing nothing but your family coat of arms or company logo bodypainted across her eager frame.
A movie of excesses, “Pirates 2” is also an earnest attempt to be a family comedy – much like the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies were, except with rimjobs in it. There are portions of the script devoted to loyalty, believing in oneself, and sticking up for friends that would not be out of place on “Hannah Montana.” That these elements appear discretely between scenes of guys coming on each other (just from a porn angle, “Pirates 2” is dirtier and riskier than your average mainstream adult movie) was an uncomfortable marriage of childish themes with very adult ones, as if Digital Playground were trying to let the Sarah Palin demographic know that fisting was “super.”
But if the big effects are not even to the standards of late-night Sci Fi Channel fare, the sex and the scope of “Pirates 2” are far beyond what you expect and deserve as average porn consumers. You expect an awful porn script? Here you get one that actually expected something of the actors. You expect scenery chewing from the men? Evan Stone and Steven St. Croix ably comply. You want Jesse Jane and Belladonna to fuck the living daylights out of each other? Check.
